Alabama - Tealy and the Crew

Tealy woke up the way you wake up when something is already wrong before you're conscious enough to identify what it is.

The feeling arrived first. The feeling was: this is not the hotel bed. This is not flat. This is moving. There is engine noise.

He opened his eyes.

Overhead compartments. Rows of seats. The specific quality of recycled air that existed nowhere on earth except inside a commercial aircraft.

He was on a plane.

He sat up slowly with the careful movements of a person whose brain was still booting and needed a moment before it could handle information.

He looked to his left.

The Groomba was in the window seat.

It was buckled in. The seatbelt was fastened across its disc-shaped chassis in a configuration that had clearly required some creative effort and which was technically compliant with aviation safety requirements in spirit if not entirely in practice. Its sensors were oriented toward the window. It appeared to be looking out at the clouds.

Tealy stared at it.

The Groomba's sensors rotated to face him.

"Good morning," said the Groomba. "You were asleep for two hours and fourteen minutes. Also the carpet in this aircraft has not been cleaned recently. I can tell."

Tealy looked at the Groomba.

Looked at the window.

Looked at the seat back in front of him, which had a screen showing a flight map.

The flight map showed a small airplane icon over what was very clearly the state of Alabama.

The destination read: HUNTSVILLE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

He looked at the flight map for a long time.

He looked at the Groomba.

He looked at the flight map again.

"No," said Tealy.

"The carpet," said the Groomba, "has significant—"

"Not about the carpet," said Tealy. "Just. No. In general."

---

He checked his phone.

It was 7:43 AM. He had eleven notifications.

Nine of them were Mirrorland ads.

"MIRRORLAND: YOU'RE ALMOST HERE!! We can't wait to see you!!"

"MIRRORLAND: The carousel is READY FOR YOU!!"

"MIRRORLAND: Our parking lot has RECENTLY BEEN REPAVED!! (one section)"

One was from DumbDird, sent at 5:30 AM:

"DURR TALLY HAVE A GREAT TRIP!! 🎉"

Tealy stared at this message with the focused intensity of a detective who had just found the single piece of evidence that explained everything and also raised forty new questions.

DumbDird knew.

DumbDird had known at 5:30 AM. Tealy had been on a plane at 5:30 AM. DumbDird, who had somehow been inside a hotel lamp the previous night and had disappeared by morning, had sent a bon voyage message to Tealy who was unconscious on a flight to Alabama at 5:30 AM.

The last notification was from Greeny.

"The Groomba is missing. Let me know if you see it."

Tealy looked at the Groomba.

The Groomba beeped.

He typed back: "Found it."

Greeny responded in eleven seconds: "Why do you have it."

"I don't know."

"Where are you."

Tealy looked at the flight map. At the small plane icon over Alabama. At the destination.

"Alabama."

A pause longer than Greeny's usual response time.

"Why."

"I also don't know."

Another pause.

"Is the Groomba okay."

Tealy looked at the Groomba, which was now attempting to rotate in its seat to face the aisle carpet and was being prevented from doing so by the seatbelt.

"It's concerned about the carpet."

"That's normal," Greeny replied. "It's fine."

---

The flight landed at 8:20 AM.

Tealy walked off the plane in yesterday's clothes, carrying nothing, with a Roomba knockoff rolling beside him through the Huntsville International Airport, which was small and bright and had absolutely no idea what was about to happen to it.

His phone buzzed the moment he hit the terminal.

"MIRRORLAND: WELCOME TO HUNTSVILLE!! We saw your flight landed!! Come visit us!! ($12 admission!! Groomba gets in FREE!!)"

Tealy stopped walking.

Read the ad again.

Groomba gets in FREE.

He looked down at the Groomba.

The Groomba looked up at him.

"They're offering you free admission," Tealy said.

"I do not pay for things," said the Groomba. "I am a Groomba."

"That's fair."

"Also the airport carpet is better than the plane carpet but still suboptimal."

"Great," said Tealy.

He stood in the Huntsville International Airport at 8:22 AM on what was supposed to be day two of his Disney World vacation, Mirrorland ad notification number eleven glowing on his screen, the Groomba at his feet already beginning a quiet assessment of the terminal floor.

He called DumbDird.

It rang once.

"DURR, TALLY!! YOU LANDED!!"

"How did I get on this plane."

"Durr, you walked on—"

"I was asleep—"

"Durr, you were very relaxed about it, Tally—"

"DUMBD—" Tealy stopped. Breathed. Restarted. "DumbDird. I was in a Disney World hotel room. I went to sleep. I woke up on a plane to Alabama. Did you do this."

A pause.

"Durr," said DumbDird, with the specific cadence of someone choosing words carefully for the first time in their life, "I feel like the important thing is that you're having an adventure, Tally—"

"DUMBD—"

"DURR AND MIRRORLAND IS REALLY CLOSE—"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE IT IS—"

"DURR, TALLY—"

"DumbDird are you in Alabama."

A longer pause.

"Durr," said DumbDird. "Define Alabama."

Tealy looked at the ceiling of the Huntsville International Airport. It was a normal ceiling. It had no lamps of sufficient size to contain anyone. He checked anyway.

Clean.

"Where are you," Tealy said.

"Durr, I'm nearby."

"How nearby."

"Durr, I'm outside."

"Outside the airport."

"Durr, yeah."

"How did you get to Alabama."

"Durr, Tally, I told you, I don't totally understand how I travel sometimes—"

"THAT IS NOT AN EXPLANATION—"

"DURR, THE CAROUSEL THOUGH, TALLY—"

---

He was outside.

Of course he was outside.

He was standing in front of the airport in the sequined game show jacket, which he had apparently worn to Alabama, holding a sign that said "TALLY + GROOMBA 🎉" in large marker letters, with the expression of someone who had executed a perfect plan.

Tealy walked out of the airport, stood in front of him, and looked at the sign.

The Groomba rolled out beside him and immediately began assessing the sidewalk.

"Durr, TALLY—"

"Don't."

"DURR, YOU'RE HERE—"

"I didn't choose to be here—"

"DURR, MIRRORLAND OPENS AT NINE—"

"DumbDird—"

"DURR, THE CAROUSEL, TALLY—"

"The carousel," Tealy said flatly, "is the only ride."

"DURR, AND THE OTHER ONE—"

"Which looks broken—"

"DURR, WE DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE, TALLY—"

Tealy looked at him. At the sign. At the sequined jacket. At the Groomba, which had found something on the sidewalk it felt strongly about and was addressing it with quiet intensity.

He looked at his phone.

Mirrorland ad number twelve:

"MIRRORLAND: We open in 38 minutes!! See you soon!! 🎉"

He looked at the ad.

At DumbDird.

At Alabama, which was just sitting there being Alabama, completely uninvolved in any of this and yet somehow at the center of all of it.

"Twelve dollars," Tealy said.

"DURR—"

"Each."

"DURR, YEAH—"

"And the Groomba is free."

"DURR, APPARENTLY—"

"I'm getting a full refund on Disney World."

"Durr, that's fair, Tally—"

"And you're explaining to Greeny how his Groomba got on a plane."

"Durr, also fair—"

"And I'm getting a churro equivalent from whatever Mirrorland sells."

"DURR, TALLY—" DumbDird's face did the thing. The full thing. Every version of it at once. "DURR, DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE GOING—"

Tealy had already started walking toward the parking lot where, presumably, DumbDird had acquired a car through methods Tealy was not going to investigate.

"The carousel better move," he said.

"DURRRRR—"

"I mean it—"

"DURRRRRRRRR—"

The Groomba beeped once and followed, already compiling a mental list of every suboptimal floor surface between the airport and Mirrorland.

There were many.

It was fine.

It was going to clean all of them.